TW: Suicide Ideations.
I’m sitting here in a coffee shop, sipping on my chai and writing my first blog post. (Yes, that’s why I named it Chai with Ry—I’m obsessed!) Fun fact: ‘Chai’ actually means ‘tea’ in Hindi, so I’ve stopped saying ‘Chai Tea’—that’s just repeating ourselves, lol. The chai isn’t house made but it’s Rishi, so that’s fine. I love Rishi but there’s something about a housemade Chai at a coffee shop. Anyway, I’ve chosen to blog because sometimes I’m too tired to talk or get in front of a camera.
Which brings me here ..writing about my Mom’s death.. About the first anniversary (I can’t believe it’s almost been a year..) I also got out the house today.. I haven’t been out of the house in days.. I put lipstick on and did my makeup and put on some cute earrings. That was my Mom’s remedy to turn a day around, and usually it works.
Also my tan??? Just know ya girl has been getting dosed in some heavy Vitamin D lol.
It’s my brother’s birthday today. The last text my mom sent to our family group chat was for him—a happy birthday message, complete with a picture of herself and a song she dedicated to him. Four days later, on September 19, I sent a message in that same group chat about her funeral arrangements. Birthdays are another milestone that hurts in grief, but I will save that for another post.
The photo she shared that morning ended up on her funeral flyer, covered in purple—her favorite color.
My Mom always sent pics of herself and a message to the group chat every morning before heading into work as a middle school teacher.
This past year has been unbearable. There’s no way I can describe it. Horrible doesn’t even begin to cover it. Depression. Suicidal ideations. Brain fog. Weight fluctuations. Crying spells. Tension headaches. The list goes on and on. Grief hits you in ways you can’t imagine—emotionally and physically. I’m sharing this because we don’t talk about the aftermath of death. It doesn’t end at the funeral that’s when it begins.
This week has been horrible, as much as I don’t want to think about it. This is really real and it’s as horrible as it feels. Weeks prior I had a consistent schedule, I had been walking again and moving my body. Eating breakfast lunch and dinner, but this week? I’ve been down and out. Barely can get out of bed, barely can take my anti depressants, barely can eat. Crying all day long and thinking life would just be better if I was not here.. Apparently there was a study done by JAMA in Sweden that women tend to have more suicidal ideations when their Mom’s death anniversary comes up.
Our bodies know, our minds know. It is something so crippling about coming to terms with a year has passed since the person who has created me has left.
So for the anniversary: My Dad has planned a whole ceremony for my Mom in California at the beach. Apparently my Mom wanted her ashes to be spread in the Pacific (I did not know this lol, but it sounds like something she would have said) My Mom was a Florida Girl and if you know anything about Florida Girls, you know they love their beaches!
(Pictured is Mom as a little girl at her favorite place)
I am glad that he planned something, because after planning her service I do not have the capacity to plan another thing.
A lot of me wants to not go.. Not face it.. Lay in bed in my grief misery and cry.. Sleep and doom scroll.. And in fact that’s what I’ve been doing the past week. I’ve given myself grace on this, because this is real and heavy no matter what people say about it.. They aren’t living in my body.. They don’t know the toll it takes on me.
Therapy has been super helpful during this process. When my therapist reminds me to take my meds and drink water and eat.. I’m like oh yeah, I do have to do that. I do have to take care of myself still.. And it’s not fair that the person who took care of me is gone, and yet I still have to nourish myself. Remember when I said I had a consistent schedule going weeks prior to this? Well, that still happened and I give myself credit for that.
But this is what grief does.. It knocks you down.. and then you stand back up with her again and then she knocks you down.. It’s a never ending cycle of getting knocked down and standing back up. Grief needs space and a lot of it.. Unfortunately, in America we don’t have the space for it. Not at work, not in our families, not with our friends, not even within ourselves.
I have therapy 2x a week, joined a Black Girl Grief support group, joined a sober grief group, go to my sober support meetings, sometimes I journal, sometimes I’ll do a voice note, and sometimes I talk about my journey online (I love digital visual story telling). All of this helps but still the grief is stronger than all of that combined, but I deserve some relief and I get relief with community care and support.
I don’t have all the answers for the death anniversary. I just know that my body knew and it sat me down to cry and so I did. I still ate on the days that I could and I drank water when I knew the crying would dehydrate me. Instead of my 6,000 steps.. I settled for a few hundred.. Hey.. At least I moved my body.
So as I am preparing for my trip to Cali, I knew I wanted to POP OUT AND SHOW N*GGAS... lol.. One side of my grief was like “nah” and then the other was like.. I should get cute! Like I should get cute and celebrate my Mom’s life..Because my funeral looks weren’t giving lol.. As weird as that may sound. I was drug through the mud when planning my Mom’s service and then the day of I had no effort.. I just knew I was going to wear a purple dress and so I did.
I wanted to have a cute beach look for the ceremony and get my hair blown out.. So I went to a salon here in the country (not a good experience) DON’T ASK. Let’s just say I wrote a bad Google Review and I came home and cried lmao..I was so sad.. Like okay not only am I going on this trip sad but now my hair is not done.. But then an Angel sent me a DM and said she could do my hair and I quickly got in the car to her house.
Ryann Michelle Cooke.
“We gave our grief space.”
The woman who did my hair lost her Mom too, so we spent a lot of my appointment talking about All Things Grief and it was just what I needed. Remember how I said community care in grief helps? Well, this was one of those instances. Not only did this woman beautify me, but she fed my soul with validation and affirmations regarding my new fresh grief. I didn’t know her and she didn’t know me, but we connected and we hugged and we talked about our Loved ones.. We gave our grief space.
In some ways I think my Mom sent her my way… After talking to this woman I not only looked good, but I felt good and I was ready for my 5 am flight to California Love to face my Mom’s first death anniversary.
So, if you’re reading this and facing a grief anniversary of your own, my advice is: Do what feels right for you. If you want to plan something special, do it. If not, that’s okay too. Ask for help if you need it—let friends or family take on the planning if it feels too heavy.
I don’t have all the answers, as I live this.. I work through it.. I navigate as best as I can.
I’m sharing my story because I didn’t see any stories like mine and I want to encourage more people to share their stories on grief. For those who haven’t experienced grief yet—because, yes, there are ‘not-yet grievers’—I encourage you to learn about it. Be curious about grief and loss, for your own sake and for the people around you. Because one thing I’ve learned is that people die. We all will, eventually. And while this won’t be the last time I’ll face death, it’s the first time I’ve truly understood how powerful grief is.
Thank you for reading my story. I hope sharing it offers some comfort to those who need it and opens up more conversations about grief.
Love, Ry… Your Bereavement Baddie.
ChaiwithRy 
Leave a comment