Grief breakthroughs…Remembering who I was before my Mom died.. & how a day out on the town helped me...

Why my Mom had to die before all the holidays/birthdays is beyond me.

If you are reading this and are a Bereavement Baddie like me, give yourself a pat on the back for making it through the holiday season.

Something I’ve realized about other people who have experienced loss or even if they haven’t. If they are not connected to themselves then it is hard for them to connect with me or for me to connect with them. I feel misunderstood, alot.. So I’ve really had to lean into myself and validate myself. I don’t ask for advice and I don’t ask for opinions anymore (unless I feel emotionally safe with someone) I know what is true for myself and my grief and no one can tell me otherwise. I have Mothered myself through this whole process.

Grief stole my innocence. Grief told me that we all will die (I guess I knew that, but maybe I didn’t?) Grief forced me to look inward. Grief changed me. I’m not the person I used to be before my Mom died.. I’d like to think I’m a bit more serious about things now. Aint nothing for play play.

In order for me to learn this version of myself I have to coexist with grief. I didn’t ask for this, no. I don’t want this, no. But it is my reality and so I have to learn how to live my life with it.

It is not to say I’m not heartbroken, sad, full of rage.. Because I am. But I had to learn how to self regulate with these huge emotions and I have been learning how to do that the past 6 months.. I’m proud of myself.

A Day out on The Town

First things first, I stopped for Chai (are you even surprised?) at the “Best Chai In Nashville”. It’s called “The Horn” a cute little Somalian Cafe. I saw many raves on Threads and it’s been the talk of the town. It was cute! I got the vanilla chai. I love a good vanilla Chai. Something great about other cultures is that they get their chai right, it’s made with care and love. American coffee shops need to do better lol.

I took my Chai and my loud music to The Parthenon to sit.. It was peaceful, it was nice and there was water (I love being near the water) It reminded me of my walks around the Tidal Basin in DC (Although nothing can ever compare to the Tidal Basin). It just made me feel like I was back living my best city life.

I got invited to pour dranks with a Alcohol Free Cocktail brand Curious Elixirs this weekend in Nashville. It was a blast. I think it helped me more than I knew or expected. I hadn’t been super social or talked about my passions in a while. Prior to my Mom dying, I hosted sober events, I competed in pitch competitions, I was telling any and everybody who I was and what I did. I hadn’t even put any effort into my creative visions (except today)

I went to this event and SHINED. I surprised myself lol. The confidence? The outfit? Everything was on point & I had gotten sooooo many compliments. (I was feeling like the true Sober Baddie that I am)

It was a grand opening event for a local grocery store called Turnip Truck. (I walk in then I turrnnnnnnnnup) There were other vendors and I was able to talk about the brand Curious Elixirs and pour drinks for customers. It was so fun to ask strangers “Do you wanna try a booze free craft cocktail?” and I LOVED conversing with them about their sober journeys, sober curious journeys, or learning about their Dry/Damp January journey.

They had live music and there was a saxophonist there covering R&B songs.. I just felt like it was the perfect validation of what I missed most about socialization and my old self. It was the perfect event, I could’ve dreamed of it lol. Doing something I love to do, trying new things, talking to new people. It was a BLAST! What did the Stringer Bell from the Wire say again?

Every city I’ve lived in, I left my Sober Baddie mark! Face of the City! Yahhhhhhh. Ask about me (no really ask about me) lol.

I actually didn’t even want to leave. I left and went to sight see + walk around near water to reflect.. Water is my reflection girlie. I talk to water and gain a lot of perspective. Nashville is the cutest city.

(TW: the next paragraph talks about violence)

I also went to the Cheesecake factory to get Cheesecake. I wanted to treat myself BIG! While there another Black woman asked me which cheesecake I got.. We conversed for a little about treating ourselves. She then told me she was a teacher at Antioch (there was a school shooting there this month) … We spoke about how they are making the students and teachers return to school.. I was shocked and sad. We spoke about grief therapy, too..

It’s like I can’t escape a conversation about grief/loss/death these days. I wanted to give her a hug and for some reason she knew she could talk to me. I was capable to hold space. It was also more confirmation I am a person you can talk to about grief, loss, death, and sobriety. I am multifaceted on life experiences.

It also is insane how grief is looked at in our society. That we are expected to “move on” and forget the tragic events in our life. To get back to normal.. I find that to be absolutely insane, diabolical! I refused to do that. I REFUSE to do that. I live radically with my grief and not one person on this planet earth can erase my Mom and the tragedy I feel.

The Rebuild to be continued….

I’ll end it here, but I am actually feeling pretty hopeful about the future for the first time since Mom died.

A lot of things are in alignment for me right now. I put in the work to get here. I am in a state of rebuild. I am rebuilding my life.. I’m a survivor. I survived the first year of my Mom being gone and I did that by myself.

I’m in awe of the woman that I am… I’m looking forward to life and I’m here to coexist and learn my grief while I rebuild.

For me, coexisting with grief means allowing space for both joy and pain. It means celebrating my wins while honoring my loss. It’s taking my Mom with me in everything I do—whether I’m sitting by water reflecting, pouring mocktails at an event, or just having a conversation with a stranger about grief.

I used to think I had to ‘get over grief’ and I used to say “After grieving” but now I know that grief isn’t something to overcome—it’s something to integrate into my life.

I know Mom would be so PROUD OF ME, her babygirl.

How do you coexist with grief?

Stay tuned Bereavement Baddies!

XOXOXOXOX.

Ry.